I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The morning after pill, but for tweets
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you