Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.