this… may be the greatest story ever told
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete