[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.