Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Some people were born into their job.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.