there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.