I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it