I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.