I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
this is me
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane![]()
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
i love meeting boys on tinder
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV