i love meeting boys on tinder
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER