DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.