[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
the three branches of government
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand