I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power