You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Mad Max Arctic Road
I love you…
…r dog.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
How to draw a duck
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.