who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
What if all the cashiers are married?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.