If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?