if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
He’s cranky this morning
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.