Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)