@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

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@rockymomax

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

@KeetPotato

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@Tommytoughstuff

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@withanewname

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@ParasiteHilton

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*