(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Who chose this font
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god