A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I think they could have phrased this better
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.