Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Life is a suicide mission.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!