“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Body by Oreos
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this