My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You Might Also Like
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.