[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]