It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I don’t make the rules sorry
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
A sick whale is called an unwhale
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys