The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.![]()
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree