The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.