Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?