My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
True
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.