On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers