The “baby” on the left….
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me hitting on a model
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
happy mother’s day❤️
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
an octopus is just a wet spider
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The French word for sex is croissant.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.