There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.


Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo


Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.


[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these


The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.


You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.


Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?


So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?


My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*