Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead