If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣