partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.