Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.