I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?