With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Fat chances are my favorite chances
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)