If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
When you’re here for the treats.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.