Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Easy enough.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?