Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.


I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.


He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?


Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.


“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*


Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.


I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.


Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.