@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

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@GarryShandling

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@Schroofles

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

@MisterD78UK

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

@DudeMass

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.