why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening