[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets