If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th