Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

You Might Also Like


My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.


My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.


Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.


If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.


I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.


Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.


Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit