@pleatedjeans

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

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@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

@darrenrobinson

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

@ncknvme

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@OMGSoOverIt

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

@DiamondLou69

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit