Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
inside you are two wolves
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”