[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.