got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Check your privilege
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
this post was so formative to me
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?