[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”