A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
You Might Also Like
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it