Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
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If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam