*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*aggressively waits in line*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.