All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?