Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It